To my daughter, in case tomorrow ba loses his memory

Last week I was sitting drinking with my anh sư phụ tech who was lamenting about his aging mother's illness and how hard it was for the kids to take care of her. For me it's mother, for him it's father. Anyone 4-something sitting at the same table is in the same boat — parents in their twilight years. He then quoted something another 4-something friend had said: he'd keep poison in his mouth like a spy, so that if a stroke hit he could just bite it and die fast — better than lying paralyzed and putting his kids, wife, and grandchildren through hell. I nodded at sư phụ: I think the same thing, live long enough, get weak enough, then die early so you don't torture the people around you. Then we clinked glasses — cụp — closing the topic right here, let's talk tech.

Lots of exciting new tech flooded my thinking in the days after. Pushing tech aside, I thought about that poison-pill idea. Turns out that thought is that common, huh. The desire of modern young people to be financially free by the end of their lives so as not to depend on or burden their children is a good thought, and very common. What surprised me was that the thought of killing yourself to free your loved ones is also mass-market. Once there's a second person, there are many thinking the same, I calculated, knowing the person who'd said that line is also as crazy as me. Impulsively, my rebellious streak refuses to accept that I agree with the masses. I want to have my own view on this from now on! How, my own? Think.

The people who kill themselves are all being selfish, no matter what reason they dress it up in. I'm 99 years old, I can't walk anymore, I have no money, I can't eat, somebody has to wipe me after I shit, what's the point of living on to suffer? Still selfish. Not wanting to burden your kids — they won't be by your side anyway, and even if they wanted to care for you, they wouldn't be there. They've all left home for the city chasing their dreams. You're just afraid of being abandoned, afraid of lying alone with no one thinking of you, your kids visiting twice a year. Say you're not selfish, say you don't fear heaven and earth — you still have to live on as long as you can. I'll live to 120, if I can, lying there in pain remembering the peak days when I could walk on my own, no problem. Existing there for those who still remember me to think on. The person caring for you, you're a burden — a burden either makes that person strong or kills them, no matter. The one who leaves you, knowing you still exist, their conscience gnawing at them forever, they'll learn to fight through it, forgive or cut it clean — either way it's training for the mind. I think lying in one spot trying hard to absorb as much oxygen as possible just to give someone one piece of information or one lesson is incredibly meaningful. Even if no one is there, even if I die alone and dry up until the smell gets me found, that too will become a story that helps some kid somewhere decide: I swear I won't let my parents be treated like that.

I believe anyone's existence, short or long, brings meaning to life. On the other hand, I believe Eastern people shouldn't chase Westernized thinking like parents in nursing homes don't need care. What do they know about family and love to follow them. Yes, I'll build financial stability for my daughter and myself so we can be free to do what we love. So when needed we don't have to depend on each other. But when the time comes I still want family beside me, the way my ba didn't have and my mother has but might as well not. Or maybe I talk a big game and tomorrow a stroke hits before I've even prepped the poison, and the finances aren't even in shape — it's all the same anyway! Whatever happens, happens — having someone is good, not having is fine too. Whatever happens, some kid will learn something from it.

To my daughter, in case tomorrow ba loses his memory before you get a chance to know anything.