My life philosophy: friends

My life philosophy: friends.

I was born and grew up in a poor family, where ba and má and siblings struggled over every bowl of rice and scrap of clothing wrestling with hardship. Family happiness was a luxury. You'd think poor means no joy, and wealth brings plenty of it. Who knew ba would switch into comfort mode knowing only how to go drink and come home and beat his wife and kids — I got beaten the least but it still hurt being the one who had to witness everything. My soul switched into a mode of pouring all my love into friends and the people around me, just like a three-year-old hearing his parents fight and running to hide.

My way of doing friendship is too complicated to tell in full, so let me excerpt a small piece from a 30-year relationship with a friend named Nguyễn Hữu Đức to give you a picture:

Đức joined Cao Thắng School in grade six as the only, youngest son of one of the most powerful families in the Vĩnh Long fish market. Vĩnh Long Market is the central trading hub for all Western provinces going back to the old regime. Anyone who wanted to dominate the market had to control the fish market — the rawest section of all Mekong Delta markets, with its abundant seafood and aquatic wealth. When Đức joined my class 6.1, everyone gossiped most about his family background, and then about his handsome face with the single canine tooth that stole all the girls' hearts.

I was class monitor of 6.1 — the top class among three at the best middle school in Vĩnh Long Town — located in Ward 5, the poorest and most crime-ridden ward in the province. I didn't dare initiate a friendship with Đức, knowing this character wasn't easy to approach. Then one day I heard he was wooing a girl I'd grown up with since our very first day of school — I didn't dare do anything beyond giving Ngọc a few words of advice that it wouldn't end well when heart-inside shows through on the outer face… Đức came looking for me, as a show of respect: your friend is my girlfriend now, okay. From there the close relationship grew because the two of us were both… good-looking (he sure wasn't studying at my level), Hữu Lộc and Hữu Đức like two brothers, an inseparable duo.

Time slipped by to high school. Ngọc invited me for evening coffee at Hoa Nắng, the most expensive café in Vĩnh Long at the time. Ngọc told me that in my relationship with Đức the flow only went one way — sometimes she saw me treated worse than the help. I told Ngọc that I cherished him, that when I called him a close friend, no matter what, we lived and died together — he was bad to me in this way but good in another: for instance, he had many girlfriends but I was the common thread, and all the girls liked me — they came to confide in me whenever they were sad. That was already the best.

The gangster streak in a powerful rich family turned Đức into a man who wherever he went, everyone else followed his will — never a listener. After twelve years of school (which for him became 14 or 15), Đức went into business in finance-related fields, and Vĩnh Long was extremely fertile ground. With abundant resources, Đức quickly seized a position in the scene. As for me, at least once a year I'd sit with Đức on New Year's Eve sipping a few liters of liquor and beer until the fireworks went up, and then I'd head home. Over the years, Đức cycled through his relationships constantly. Every time we welcomed the fireworks I'd ask about the guy he'd been drinking happily with for the previous 365 days, and the answer was usually that guy turned out to be trash, that other son of a bitch was like this or that, so he wasn't hanging with him anymore. I was the only one who always showed up, for nearly 30 years.

At the current chapter, Đức has fallen apart, left his hometown behind along with a few kids, so these days I have no place to stop by on New Year's Eve — maybe I'll take my daughter to the temple instead, the way I used to take má when she was still well.

What I'm trying to say is long-winded, but to put it simply: this kid doesn't let go easily, no matter what anyone says. I only have one way of being with anyone I befriend: give it all, give it whole, to the point where one boyfriend of mine thought I had romantic feelings for him, to the point where breaking off a friendship hurt me for years… so once I break off, it's already been 20 or 30 years. It's fine — that time was for me to practice how to live and understand people more. It's all learning.

If you can live well with an ingrate like Đức, living with someone who loves you must be glorious.

Photo: the cheerful expression before baldy Achilles gets hit in his heel.