Self-reflection is superpower

Self-reflection is superpower, Self-consciousness is strength.

Last Friday I sat with friends confiding again, this time with lovely sweet colleagues (the younger brothers are handsome too). The stories, the deeper into the night, kept digging further into the soul… mine. It's the season when the sun is far from Saigon, so my big head runs like an F1 car in cold climates — thinking a lot, talking a lot. I drove full speed to the darkest point in my life. I'm the type who always leaves my soul's door open, leading friends in, partly for a place to share, partly to seek empathy, partly to bind us together more tightly. An anchor thrown into deep water is harder to pull up than one in shallow water.

The most painful story of my life I've told more than a few times. Same script, each telling staged a little differently for interest. Interesting for me — others, who wants to hear it more than once. Too painful. Each interpretation different depending on the audience, mood, conditions, circumstances, I recognize one more thing each time. This telling, to these friends — once I was done, I said to myself: I just finished telling you guys clearly why I suffer, why I hate the whole world, why everyone is evil.

Because I'm blaming myself. My psychological defense mechanism doesn't want to blame myself, so it says everyone else is guilty of something worse. Guilty — an act that plays out in my head exactly as it happened. Right at the moment I was sitting on the funeral car, head on my ba's casket on the way to the cremation, I opened court and was the supreme judge wielding a diamond rod, ruling on the whole world for how on earth a guy like me who lived so poorly toward him, and you lot can still be worse! Having judged the whole world, I felt immensely relieved. I'd reached the free-peace-joy state my sư phụ had taught me. It was so clear that I immediately picked up my phone and texted him: sư phụ, I've seen freedom, peace, and joy. Ba is lying next to me.

I didn't understand what it was. I couldn't believe that where I was sitting, tears should've been falling uncontrollably, and instead there was complete release. Good. I told myself, you're still clear-headed enough to know something's off. Whatever. Enjoy this feeling; when it's different, it'll be different.

Ba's passing is his release. Release for me too, A Bà. From now on I can be free to look after all of humanity, as long as I still have strength. I can wholeheartedly devote myself to what I believe in, what I love.

Thank you to everyone who has listened to the most painful story of my life. The next time Lộc tells it, the opening will still be as dramatic as before — the ending has already become more beautiful. So I deeply cherish the people who love hearing me speak without commenting or judging. Because if they did the opposite, I'd have to spend my time arguing with them about things they don't understand (to understand: meaningless; not to understand: more meaningless than meaningless), and wouldn't have time to follow each word I speak and what it means inside me.

I feel happy.