This Letter

Dear D.,

So I'm writing you once again. You gotta be thinking. Of course you're thinking something. It's just that my mind is confusing, I'm thinking about what you're thinking reading this to, or trying to anyway.

Let's talk about us. It's been over 9 years since we started. You're right, the day count is not really precise but let's just remove the needles. It's been such a long time, I keep saying to myself how I made it this long. I wouldn't dare imagining. So many things happened, too. It's needless to talk about what happened I guess (or I choose not to talk about it here). What I want to write is the results of what happened.

We're not good at talking to each other. Since communication is the fundamental of relationship, it's crucial to have good communication between the two. I must admit, though not the first time, we're not good at communication. We have trouble communication as friends too. When we're happy, we talk to each other a lot. But some time or another I feel like we were talking but not communicating. We tell life stories of one to another and vice versa, we were hearing without listening. And when we're not happy, I'm sure we both remember how terrible it was. We try to hurt each others, we cry at each others. We always feel vulnerable to each others' words. Sadly, it's been like that since the beginning.

Maybe we're too different. The differences getting bigger now that we have different lives, living in different continents. We are, however, very similar in our orientation: taking control. I personally want to have my own decisions in everything, good or bad. I don't want anybody to control my life, forcing me to do anything. I want to be free, doing anything I like with my own wills. But I gave that control to you when we're together. I backed down because I thought I needed to do that for the sake of our relationship because you want to take control too. But I'm not that person, I can't go all down.

I've come to realize that it's sad to speak of that I don't love you like I did. It's been decreasing every time we had a crisis. It's of course impossible to measure such things but in the end I only come back to you when I feel lonely, being alone. I'm afraid of loneliness. That's so opposite of the story of how I always want to live alone on an island myself. Maybe that's the real me I just come to know.

I have this weakness in love. I'm sentiment kind of person as you told me lately, and unstable. The less confident I am, the more unstable I am. And you're my weakness. You're my Krypton. To others you are power but when I'm close to you, I feel weak and powerless.

Maybe there's one thing I can be sure of is that we'll never be able to live under one roof. For this reason or another, it is just so.

I'm sane. I am not having any sentimental effects. I'm writing this with the calmness of a cow, I hope you are reading this with the same calmness too because the feelings of getting mad at each other is so terrible just to think of it.

I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Sad or happy, both of them combines conjure very fond memories. I have no regrets for what we've been through together. I am sure if it's me now 10 years ago I would go the same path. For that, I thank you for everything we have had together. I know I will not find whoever lovelier, more active, comelier, more artistic and more fashionable than you are. I'll never find someone like you. But I need to move on, I must....