A Dozen Things I Hate About You

I felt like I was forced to change myself, I felt like I was not myself anymore when I was with you. Because when I'm with my friends, I don't feel like that. I know it's because we were different than friends but shouldn't it be better than worse? You tried to control me too much, manipulate me. While I didn't try to take control, I have limits about letting others to control me. I usually told you that you have 2 stances: a lovely girl and an old single woman. It's true that things go wrong sometime and we should feel mad about them but is it worth bring mad with little things? You were caring too much about little things like if I drop any piece of cake while I eat or if I wash my foot before getting to bed. That reminded me of a difficult time growing up — certain people in my family were harsh in ways that left deep marks. I don't want to live like that ever again, I don't want to feel it again. Maybe nobody can avoid triggering those old wounds, but I need to be with someone who doesn't make me feel small for small things.

I dont like your childish irresponsibility. I can never wake you up. You overruled me. I dont like being unable to make you or overruled. What was the last time we have breakfast together if not counting the trip in Da Nang? I cant remember. I wanted to do that with you. The most far I could do was to imagine we have breakfast in a lovely morning because the morning is do lovely with people and fresh air. And sleeping too much always cause me to lose energy which causes more sleep which upsets you, then we're not happy. That's why I usually dont have energy being with you among other reasons. And when I dont have any motivation to do anything, you'd be mad at me. I could see when you're not OK with me, everytime it happens I'd become paranoid that any moment you'd turn enraged asking for breakups or complain (which is the softest thing I'd get) me. I was often in stressfulness because I needed to find anything to excite you, to make us laugh, to have fun. But stress always results unable to think of something new which makes things worse.

Why couldn't we just lay in bed doing our own stuffs? Just being in the same room? Do we have to talk to each others or do things together all the time? I feel scared everytime I'm silent when I drive you around or when sit together somewhere sometime. Because you dont want me to be silent, I have to say something. That doesn't feel comfortable. You know I talk a lot, so when I don't talk it means I just need to be quite for awhile. Sometime I think about something else, sometime I dont think about anything at all and both are so normal because I feel normal when there are times like that. You know, I always notice the couples (those western travellers) that when they wait for bus, train, or plane they read books or anything they want. I always wonder why could they do that? Why don't they talk to each others? Isn't it a problem just wait and read like that? I mean I feel like I want to be like them sometime. Because we all need to be silent to talk more.

There's a problem too when we talk: we are both speaker. When everybody is talking, nobody is listening. I tried to listen to your stories, every of them. As I always do with everyone else, I want to get into their stories so I can understand those stories as much as I could because they are all incredible. But I didnt feel like I got the same treatment from you. You have a habbit of breaking into my stories with your stories, sometime you didn't mean it sometime otherwise. You even made fun of me when you did that, telling me I'm cute/funny that I get back to what I say no matter what. This is no way good, not even in the same town as good. I care about others' stories so I expect others to give as much care, especially YOU. Sometime you told your story right after I told mine. It's like we take turns. It's not alright. That's why, again, being silent sometime help. Because we need to think about what we just talk too.

That was the happy cases, it wouldnt be very bad if the stories arent important but when they are I feel offended and hurt that you dont care about my 1/2 other life. And I happen to have too many seriously important stories. And I didn't feel like I has talked to someone who understood. Then there were unhappy cases, when we argued about something. First of all I still dont get it how you always show your disagreements in everything we talk. You know the last discussion we talked about the leaflets, I wanted to work things out my ways so I shared it with you. You sounded very offensive and unconstructive which made me feel bad about myself until I was free and I had cleared my mind and I thought it out I should do with the leaflets. It's one example that you tend to convince me with force other than being reasonable. Second of all, when we have a fight I'm in a mode that everything I speak now will all be wrong. One time you told me that that's because I am always really wrong! That only makes things worse, keeps me away from talking directly.

All of those things makes me scared of speaking out what I think. I dont have the previledges of speaking my mind directly to you. The best I could do is writing this but I believe you're thinking I'm being wrong here, too and again. But I'm doing this because I have nothing else to lose.

I feel a big relief when I write these things out, but you'll be mad reading this and more after and that relief of mine shall be gone. But if you could, just take it as this is how I think about our problems.

Yes, there are problems. You're the single person in this world that could make me sweep. There were people in my past who made me cry. But they are no more. Nobody or nothing now can make me cry, even as easily as that, but you. That's important. You're important because the one can make you cry is very special, I mean seriously. But not for reasons that I feel a garbage out of myself.

And you don't want to come back, yet. It'll have been 3 years soon next week. And you still want to persuade your career. I'm not even sure about my future, speaking of future.

All of these, everything, are just you. It's me who cannot understand. If I can understand you more, I would be able to accept those facts about you. These are the problems to me, instead. I only write the problems because all the good things as we all know how good they are. They are superbly good. But looking at the problems, I dont know what to do. Perhaps I'm just not mature enough to accept others. Sometimes I think so.